Gays and lesbians have adopted the phrase "it gets better" as a kind of slogan to assure young people that life won't always be so tough.
Looking back, life has gotten dramatically better for LGBT people in the United States in a very short period of time. The modern gay rights movement began less than 50 years ago. Today, supporters of same-sex marriage outnumber opponents.
Now, the Supreme Court is about to hear two big cases that could shift the landscape for gay rights again.
By Erik Botsford
I want to be happy about yesterday's news that
the American Academy of Pediatrics has reaffirmed its support of gay marriage, I really do. I'm a gay dad of twin 5-year old boys, so it's fair to say that this news resonates with me. But something about this has me bothered.
Look, don't get me wrong; I'm always happy when another voice speaks out in support of gay people and especially gay families, especially one as respected and influential as the AAP. They're a little late to the game when it comes to national medical organizations supporting gay marriage (psychologists voiced their support in 2004, psychiatrists followed in 2005, and physicians in 2011), but their support comes close on the heels of last year's endorsement of gay marriage by national nursing and family physician groups. Plus, yesterday's announcement is a clear, full-throated reaffirmation of the benefits of gay marriage to both parents and children. It goes so far as to urge its member pediatricians to advocate on behalf of marriage equality.
So why am I so grumpy?
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Because the AAP has based its policy statement on a review of 30 years of family research looking at gay and lesbian families and much of that research leaves a bad taste in my mouth. For decades, researchers have picked apart the psyches of children and parents of gay families in an effort to determine if our family structure is harmful to our children. Reading the results of these studies, with their dispassionate determinations that an "emerging consensus" among researchers that children from gay families are not "disadvantaged in any significant respect," leaves me with two reactions.
My first reaction to these results: Duh. If kids are raised in a home with adults that love them -- be it a straight couple, or two moms, or a single dad, or their grandparents, or a foster family -- it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they'll do OK.
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My second reaction is more complex. On the one hand, being someone with a degree in zoology, I understand the need for quantifiable results. They're especially important when opponents of gay marriage regularly trot out pseudo-science studies and flawed research in support of their cause. But the idea that families like mine are being studied and judgments on the fitness of dads like me are being made just rubs me the wrong way, even when the results support my family.
I don't need anyone to weigh in on my ability to parent my kids or whether my kids are well-adjusted and emotionally healthy. To even attempt to make that kind of determination implies that the fact that I'm gay has the potential to harm my kids. What other group of parents is subjected to such scrutiny? The closest analogy I can think of is children raised in multiracial families and the research in this area practically gushes over the enriching and rewarding experience for multiracial children. In contrast, the AAP statement limits its endorsement of gay marriage to saying only that our kids don't appear to be damaged by our same-gender family structure.
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If you want to know the things that truly imperil my children and leave them disadvantaged, I'd ask you look outside my family to the culture of our country. For example, how about talking about the airport officer that forces my husband and me to pass through immigration separately because we're "not a family"? Since it's tax season, why not consider that I'm about to file my 25th federal tax return as a "single man," even though I've been married for 11 years (two of them legally)? Or how about the people in the car that yell "faggot" at us as we push our stroller down the street? Each of these daily realities has vastly more potential to harm my kids than the fact that they have two dads.
When it comes to being a parent, I can tell you that I'm not much different than anyone else. This morning I made some pancakes with mango for the boys. I was called in to inspect (and clean up) an aiming problem involving the toilet. I defused some conflicts involving the iPad. I haven't yet had time to shower or eat my own breakfast.
I'm happy that the AAP has joined the chorus of voices validating my family. I just wish sometimes that I lived in a world that didn't need 30 years of research to figure out that I'm a good dad.
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I think the chances of the Supreme Court Justices ever seeing this article are one in nine million, which is the estimated number of gay people in the United States. But I feel compelled to write it because I'm afraid some of the most important reasons to endorse same-sex marriage will be overlooked. There is no question that the Fourteenth Amendment states that we all have equal protection under the law, so it will be hard to justify taxation that favors a man and woman who are married, but not two men or two women who are married. The Justices will thoroughly cover this issue as Edith Windsor is suing the United States for not honoring her marriage to Thea Spyer and so taxing her estate unfairly. They will also rule on Proposition 8 in California that has stopped same-sex marriage there. But my concern is that the true equality that same-sex people must have will be discussed only in a legal sense and that the emotional and psychological underpinnings that affect every gay will not be considered, as they should be.
When I heard that the Supreme Court was going to take up the two cases of same-sex marriage, I began to think about what their decision would mean to me and every gay person in America if they rule in favor of same-sex marriage. What would "equality" really mean to a gay person? As a start -- and it is a life saving start -- it will mean a safer, happier, more normal future for young gay men and women as they make their way into American society as equals.
When I grew up as a gay boy, I never felt like an equal to the other kids. The name-calling and abuse that I suffered would never have been as strong if gay people had had equality at that time in our country. In the 1930's, a gay person was either a freak or a figure of fun. The average person had no idea what same-sex love was and if they did, it was based on hearing about Oscar Wilde and his infamous jury trial and conviction. There were no books for a teenager to read and nothing was ever mentioned in the newspapers. The movies made fun of homosexuals painting them as effeminate or campy. There were no role models for young gays and no counselors. You carefully guarded your secret. You couldn't possibly speak about it to your parents or even to your friends. You learned to lower your voice and watch all your actions: walk without swaying too much, not use your hands more than necessary. You tried to put on a veneer of masculinity so no one would know. But there were still the taunts when you dropped the football or couldn't run as fast as the others. Then, as you grew older, the realization that you could be put in prison if you were discovered. Police made extra money by threatening gay men with exposure and then letting them off for a price. The humiliation and hiding drove many to suicide -- I only survived because I didn't finally have the courage to jump out of the window. And then, later, the pain of being an adult listening to all the slurs and jokes about gays and being afraid to refute them lest you be discovered. In my case, as a young actor, I heard agents and casting people saying about other actors "don't send him for that role, he's queer," so I had to hide even more.
I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I dated women, had affairs with them, lived with an actress for five years, even married to fit into society, and then went into years of analysis to get "cured", but I wasn't being true to myself. There were many gay men who married and had children and yet continued relationships with other men, when they could sneak away from the office for a few hours. I always thought how sad that was because their wives were not getting the love they had been promised and the husbands had to deal with their guilt.
As time went on, the repression of gays burst open and exploded in public parades that said finally, "Look at us, we're here." By that time I had found a man I loved and would live with for fifty years although we hid for many of them. Today we are married as are many others who live in nine states and the District of Columbia. Look how far we've come. Isn't that enough? No.What about the gay people who live in the other states? They can't be married and none of us, married or not, has equal rights and equal taxes that are the same as other married people.
But what concerns me most are the gay children growing up, the teens beginning to feel their sexuality, the young adults who don't believe they can have a happy life with someone of the same sex (which has driven some of them to suicide), the older gays who've never had a meaningful relationship because they don't believe it is possible in our country. All these people need to know that being born gay is right, that it is as much a part of life as being born with blue eyes or brown hair. But this can only happen when our federal government has heeded the Constitution and endorsed same-sex marriage. It's not just about taxes and marriage licenses and allowing gays to adopt, although those issues must be addressed and approved. It is about young people and their feeling of belonging. We are horrified at the slaughter of the children in Newtown. This was a madman and at least he is now dead and can do no more harm. We must nurture and protect our children. We are killing many of the gay ones who are still being forced to grow up feeling that they are lepers from another age. Only through gays being equal and a part of American life can these children be free to be themselves.
The suspected shooter, a male Marine, apparently shot himself.
The American Academy of Pediatrics, the nation’s largest pediatricians group, came out in support of same-sex marriage and adoption on Thursday in a new policy statement.
